Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
