Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You're like the curious george of whores
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize