I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
