The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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