I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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