Three words: puerto rican gang bang
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
