Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
