ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
