i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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