dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
