My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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