Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize