one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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