my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
