you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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