Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
