Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize