i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
