he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
