I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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