He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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