you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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