I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize