i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
His nipple licking is glorious
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