i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
