4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
