My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
