ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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