how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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