my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize