Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
