3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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