So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
