Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just had sex on a roof
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
