I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
