I wish I could punch you in the face.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
