Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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