I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
