i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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