I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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