I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
