the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize