perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
