Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize