my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
