it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
