And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
