I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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