i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
