I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
