I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
