Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
