Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Don't make out with my wife yet
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
