i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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