Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize