I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
