I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
