Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
