I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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