So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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