im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
