no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
