what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
