weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
