U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
