My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just want to make out with him forever
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
